Looking back on life there’s a lot that I have pushed through and succeeded, but yet all that pain still continues to hurt. There’s so much to work through, so much to deal with. I feel like I should have everything figured out and yet I don’t. I’m running around like a crazy person with a scattered brain…Then I stop and realize I’m okay, life’s okay, I’m told to take things one day at a time but it’s harder then it sounds. My brain keeps going and spinning loops, I feel content yet anxious all at the same time. I wonder when things will slow down, when life will make sense, when I won’t have to worry. I realize all I know how to do is worry, to be anxious but I’m told to take things one day at a time. I worry about everyone, everything. Wondering if there okay trying to breath and make sure I’m okay too. I worry about there feelings, there friendship, I worry about myself I want to be good enough, I want to be loved, I don’t want to be alone forever but I’m told to stop, to take things one day at a time.
Life has not always been easy, and as it goes on there are days, days that I breakdown, days that I feel just as much pain as I did years ago. Iv always wanted a huge family, a family that was picture perfect but that’s not my reality and theres some things that will always be challenging. It’s hard, hard to grow up, hard to be in your twenties and have people that love you but hard to figure out life on your own, hard to figure out life without your parents in the picture. It’s hard, hard to wish those people were apart of your life, hard to want them to be so badly but to know that if they were there would be so much more heartbreak then there already is. To my family there are days that I miss you more then you can ever imagine, days that I miss the good things but days that I’m also fearful, fearful of all the bad things. This is gods plan and I will forever carry the pain of my past but I am thankful for the people I do have that love me and support me. Thankful for my Kathy…my Jenna…my Julie…my church family…thankful for all the love that they have showed me, for heartaches that we have shared together, for being able to push forward, thank you all for all your love through everything. To my church family and my friends I thank you for opening your arms and being such crucial important parts to my heart. I love you always.
To the man that God has chosen for me, one day when I’m ready to meet you God will lead me there. What I need you to know is that my heart is fragile, so please don’t break it. I have waited this long to meet you and have so much to tell you. Please be patient with me even if times get difficult. My life is like everyone else’s, I have made mistakes, iv cried, iv laughed, iv hurt, iv loved. Please support me in all that you can and promise that I’m yours forever, and keep that promise. Be an incredible father to our children, teach them love, teach them about God, and support them always. Help me raise them to be respectable and God driven. Promise me that no matter what happens you will never leave me and always promise to love me in the hardest times. Iv waited so long for you and can’t wait to meet you, I pray for you daily and will continue to do so!
There’s so many emotions, feelings, hard-ships linked to that one word father. It’s not an easy word for me to grasp or wrap my brain around, it’s a word that triggers emotions and pain. It doesn’t take a man that gives you life to make a father, a father isn’t a man that is abusive, it’s not a man that never once told you that he loved you, it’s not a man that continued to never wish you happy birthday, it’s not a man that hit you and left bruises, it’s not a man that called you stupid or belittled you whenever there was an opportunity, it’s not a man that literally controlled your life for so long that you are afraid of so many things in life now. There are still times I can’t sleep because I’m afraid, times I have flashbacks and times I cry. But he does not control me anymore and I am free with gods love, I will continue to overcome my circumstances and I will succeed at all my goals in life. It’s an obstacle and God has taught me through so many men in my life what a father really looks like, a father is a man that simply loved unconditionally, a man that is your biggest supporter, one that wants you to succeed, one that wants you to grow and love and one that cares about you all of there life. This will be the type of man my daughters one day have.
It’s crazy how things can truly change in an instant. How somebody can be there one moment yet gone the next. How we walk through life on a daily basis yet don’t give thanks enough for all the little things. Life is truly a beautiful blessing that God chose for each of us to have. He took life and literally blew it into each of us. Take the time to live your life to the fullest with God as the center because I promise when you do he truly provides, you won’t regret it. Life becomes more beautiful, more clear, and better. There’s always going to be bad days but God can help us through them and allow us to grow, life’s always going to be a toss up because we live in a worldly world. Struggles will always be real but God will always promise to walk through those struggles with us. My challenge for you? Take the time smell the roses, don’t rush through the day but bask in gods glory!
So I know that everyone claims they have the best friends in the world but I seriously have the best friends in the world. Flash back to this story which I had mentioned in a previous blog, I had a wonderful, pretty cool, straight up awesome teacher that made a pretty large impact on my life. Fast forward 7 years and you will get the summer of 2013 where I reconnected with that very women and God transformed my life. It started with a potential babysitting job for her kiddos and from there I was invited to Kainos (Kainos is my church family now). At Kainos I meet a bunch of people that definitely had an incredible amount of God in there lives, which I desired to have as well. I was invited to live with the pastor of there church within weeks. Crazy stuff right? Wrong, not crazy but definitely gods grace. Rewind a few months and you will get a depressed 19 year old who had moved 10 times since leaving home the day after high school, in her apartment in the bad part of Pottstown, scared, lonely, no where to turn. Fast forward till today and you will find a soon to be 21 year old surrounded by the greatest support system somebody could ask for. I thought God left me and abandoned me but he didn’t he had my plans in the works for years but didn’t reveal them until later. I am in awh everyday over the people he has placed in my life (you guys know who you are) he has blessed me with incredible friends, friends that became family, family that taught me and helps me grow everyday in my relationship with Christ. I pray to a God that I know listens and loves me unconditionally because he has showed me exactly that.
Sometimes life gets intense and I feel like I want to rip my hair out but then God shows me a glimpse of hope for the world. He is present and definitely there on a daily basis. It used to hurt a lot to talk about life and to talk about all the hurt, I recently realized that it gets easier to talk about the pain and life struggles. I realized that sometimes talking about things can allow others to know that eventually everything will be okay and in the process when it’s not they will have you to lean on. Today at work, yes I know I’m just a barista but hey Iv learned a lot of life lessons through this job! Anyways, today a women came through my line and gave me a card and in that card it said,
A lil something to say, I appreciate the great service you give. Your story really touched me, you probably don’t even realize. You are an inspiration no matter what happens in life, never give up on your dreams. Your going to make a great teacher. Keep smiling.
This touched me more then anything and although I’m not where I would hope to be at 20 I am happy and I know that I am exactly where I belong. My challenge to you? Take the time truly get to know people, talk about the hard stuff, work through your struggles because one day you will get the opportunity to take a step back and say, “Wow God seriously provided for me, he helped me grow and through that allowed me to help others grow.” I’m not where I want to be but I know I’m headed in the right direction, I am thankful for the opportunity to help others grow and I will always pursue my dreams because I know there’s a God that when I do, he looks down and smiles. Iv walked a long path but I’m growing each day into the women that God wants me to be! I am thankful for the moments that he shows I’m clearly right where he wants me.
This post will be one that’s harder to write but to those of you that I hurt l am deeply sorry. All I can say now is that I am a completely different person then I was, that God has transformed me into something beautiful, that I am planted exactly where I belong. There was a time where all I thought about doing was running, a time that I just wanted out, out of the life I was living, out of the family issues I had, just out. So I panicked and did what I do best (well used too), I ran. I ran from the people that were trying to help me, ran from life and instead of relying on god I relied on myself. It became a fear of “what am I going to do,” “where will I go,” “how will I make it on my own” and of course being the stubborn person that I am I was to afraid to ask for help (and even when I was offered it I never excepted it well). After two years of moving over and over again I reconnected with an incredible women whom God chose to use in my life (that’s a story for another day). I am planted with two feet on the ground and moving forward in a positive direction. In short I just need you all to know that I am sorry, and for the first time not only do I hope that one day you will forgive me but God has given me the power to forgive myself. Life is an incredible thing and you never know where your going to end up but all I know is that I’m happy with where I’m going and my life is apart of gods plan for me.
Sometimes life gets super busy wether it be with work, school, or just the hectic-ness of life in general. If there’s one thing that God has taught me this past year it’s that no matter how busy life gets or how insane it may feel at times there are relationships that will outlive the hectic-ness and it’s important to cherish those moments and times spent with one another. God has blessed me so richly with such an incredible support system and people to walk through life with and he didn’t have to but he did. He blessed me with the ability to live and to grow and to share life with others. So to anyone that is reading this thank you for giving me the opportunity to become me.